Once again, I’m questioning and re-evaluating. There was a time when I approached art making with an intense amount of passion and drive. I would immerse myself completely in my work and this gave me great pleasure. I felt this incredible drive to create, to “speak”, to be heard and to connect through my visual medium. I felt disconnected from the world, misunderstood and filled with angst. I viewed my work as a language, a way of transcending.
Well, things in my life have changed. I’ve connected. I have intimate relationships in my life and I feel heard and understood now. I am at peace with my surroundings. My passions lay elsewhere, in my family. I don’t feel passionate about my art anymore and thus am easily swayed, easily distracted. I bounce from project to project, from idea to idea.
This recognition has caused me to start questioning myself as artist. Not in a self-doubting mode but in a looking to the future and what I want to experience and accomplish with my life mode. Trying to recapture who I was in my 20’s and 30’s feels futile and a bit silly. If I am not that person anymore, is it okay? At times I feel like I’m not honouring that person and her goals. But who I am today really is different and has very different desires and goals so I guess I need to find a way of letting go and having that be okay.
My goals now involve my daughter, my husband, travel and experience. There’s a whole world out there and I want to engage it. We are looking ahead to a trip to Serbia this summer. Right now, facilitating this is the most important goal to me. I am feeling less defined by what I do and more centered within, so I guess this is progress!!
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