So when I went to university straight out of high school, I pursued fine arts. But alas, I was young and naive and had no sense of self and consequently was quite unsuccessful at it! I just didn’t “get it”! It was my first experience with any kind of formal art education. Being able to draw and render wasn’t enough. I lost all confidence and became very disillusioned and finished off my bachelors degree in Anthropology instead.
It was the first time I had to think about “what I wanted to do with my life”. Anthropology was interesting but not my calling so after graduation I became a ski instructor! I spent six years skiing, teaching, snowboarding and generally “bumming” around. I enjoyed life, faced and tackled demons, challenged my limits and developed a strong sense of self and my identity in this world. Through it all I continued to paint, all be it secretly. When public eyes would fall upon my paintings the reaction was always the same “what the heck are you doing?!” So after some time I had to ask myself the same question. “What am I doing?”
I asked myself, “if I won the lottery, what would I do for myself?” I had no desire for “things”, I just wanted another shot at art school. But this time I would go just for me, to develop as an artist and wouldn’t be intimidated and discouraged as before. So I decided to take a figure drawing class at the Ottawa School of Art. It was a life changing experience, my teacher was so energetic and full of zest. She gave me a good talking to! “You have something that is rare, a gift. You get yourself into a program and do something with this or I’m going to haunt you for the rest of your life!” were her exact words. I’ll never forget it, I was reduced to tears. No one in my life had ever believed and encouraged me this strongly.
In 2000, I graduated from Emily Carr Institute of Art and Design with a BFA in Visual Art. It was a great experience, I got to live my dream for 4 years. I basically lived in my studio. I lived and studied in New York City for 5 months on an exchange to The Cooper Union School of Art. But I’m afraid the many years of academia did take it’s toll. I began this journey with the intention of growing as an artist and person. By my graduating year, I felt distant, cold and clinical. Art for art’s sake. An academic exercise, no heart, no soul. That sense of expression I valued was stifled.
Over these past 10 years I’ve grappled with this, questioned, fought and abandoned. Stagnant, unable to move forward. I had a child and gave all my focus to that creation in an attempt to avoid, but now I face an empty nest of sorts. My dear daughter is in school full-time and I now have to face my demons once more.
Hence, this blog. A chronicle of my journey to creative recovery.
