The world is shifting on it's axis once again....
I have no idea where I'm headed.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
renewal
Biology and physics teaches us that every cell and molecule in our bodies is constantly being renewed. Cells die off and are replaced by new ones. It is said that over the span of 7 years the components in our bodies are completely regenerated.
So I am literally not the same person I was 10 years ago!
Time to allow my mind and spirit to catch up to my body.
I went for an amazing walk in the rain this morning along the waterfront. I was able to quiet my brain and let go of my anxieties. The image of the rain pelting the water. The pitter-patter on my hood and the roar of the rain hitting the sheds at the marina was intoxicating. And for the first time in many, many moons, I experienced a sense of joy...of bliss.
Everything is okay.
So I am literally not the same person I was 10 years ago!
Time to allow my mind and spirit to catch up to my body.
I went for an amazing walk in the rain this morning along the waterfront. I was able to quiet my brain and let go of my anxieties. The image of the rain pelting the water. The pitter-patter on my hood and the roar of the rain hitting the sheds at the marina was intoxicating. And for the first time in many, many moons, I experienced a sense of joy...of bliss.
Everything is okay.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
swirling again!
It’s been awhile since my last entry. My paradigm is shifting again. I come by swirling compass honestly!!
Once again, I’m questioning and re-evaluating. There was a time when I approached art making with an intense amount of passion and drive. I would immerse myself completely in my work and this gave me great pleasure. I felt this incredible drive to create, to “speak”, to be heard and to connect through my visual medium. I felt disconnected from the world, misunderstood and filled with angst. I viewed my work as a language, a way of transcending.
Well, things in my life have changed. I’ve connected. I have intimate relationships in my life and I feel heard and understood now. I am at peace with my surroundings. My passions lay elsewhere, in my family. I don’t feel passionate about my art anymore and thus am easily swayed, easily distracted. I bounce from project to project, from idea to idea.
This recognition has caused me to start questioning myself as artist. Not in a self-doubting mode but in a looking to the future and what I want to experience and accomplish with my life mode. Trying to recapture who I was in my 20’s and 30’s feels futile and a bit silly. If I am not that person anymore, is it okay? At times I feel like I’m not honouring that person and her goals. But who I am today really is different and has very different desires and goals so I guess I need to find a way of letting go and having that be okay.
My goals now involve my daughter, my husband, travel and experience. There’s a whole world out there and I want to engage it. We are looking ahead to a trip to Serbia this summer. Right now, facilitating this is the most important goal to me. I am feeling less defined by what I do and more centered within, so I guess this is progress!!
Once again, I’m questioning and re-evaluating. There was a time when I approached art making with an intense amount of passion and drive. I would immerse myself completely in my work and this gave me great pleasure. I felt this incredible drive to create, to “speak”, to be heard and to connect through my visual medium. I felt disconnected from the world, misunderstood and filled with angst. I viewed my work as a language, a way of transcending.
Well, things in my life have changed. I’ve connected. I have intimate relationships in my life and I feel heard and understood now. I am at peace with my surroundings. My passions lay elsewhere, in my family. I don’t feel passionate about my art anymore and thus am easily swayed, easily distracted. I bounce from project to project, from idea to idea.
This recognition has caused me to start questioning myself as artist. Not in a self-doubting mode but in a looking to the future and what I want to experience and accomplish with my life mode. Trying to recapture who I was in my 20’s and 30’s feels futile and a bit silly. If I am not that person anymore, is it okay? At times I feel like I’m not honouring that person and her goals. But who I am today really is different and has very different desires and goals so I guess I need to find a way of letting go and having that be okay.
My goals now involve my daughter, my husband, travel and experience. There’s a whole world out there and I want to engage it. We are looking ahead to a trip to Serbia this summer. Right now, facilitating this is the most important goal to me. I am feeling less defined by what I do and more centered within, so I guess this is progress!!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
self-doubt
What is it with those demons? The inner and outer critics that keep circling inside my brain.
That nagging little voice inside that taunts you. “Who are you trying to kid?” it whispers. “You don’t have what it takes, that’s not you, you are doomed to mediocrity.” Or the resonating comments of a former teacher telling me that my work is uninteresting and nobody cares.
It’s so hard to move past these, to let go and change my thought patterns. This is my brain and my fabrication. The truth is, they aren’t reality until I acquiesce. Yet, I am, at times paralyzed. I second-guess and doubt my abilities and content. I hide and procrastinate. I know all of this, my rational brain is aware, yet I am stymied.
I tell myself, “imagine, if I had confidence and believed in myself, what I could accomplish.” Others apparently do, until I talk them out of it! “Oh, no no, I couldn’t possibly!”
Recently I vowed I’d just say “yes” to every future opportunity that came my way. I didn’t grow up a “yes”-girl. I heard a lot of “no’s” as a kid. I worked hard in my 20’s challenging myself trying to shake off “the fear”. And yet, here I am again, somehow back in this skin, feeling anxious and terrified.
Hmmm, I just googled this subject! Seems I’m not the only one afflicted by this dis-ease. Ok, some comfort there. So, in future, I will accept that doubt is part of my human experience and create in spite of it! I think it boils down to doing something because you love doing it not as a means to garner praise. So I will do what I love and find a catchy song to drown out my brain!!
That nagging little voice inside that taunts you. “Who are you trying to kid?” it whispers. “You don’t have what it takes, that’s not you, you are doomed to mediocrity.” Or the resonating comments of a former teacher telling me that my work is uninteresting and nobody cares.
It’s so hard to move past these, to let go and change my thought patterns. This is my brain and my fabrication. The truth is, they aren’t reality until I acquiesce. Yet, I am, at times paralyzed. I second-guess and doubt my abilities and content. I hide and procrastinate. I know all of this, my rational brain is aware, yet I am stymied.
I tell myself, “imagine, if I had confidence and believed in myself, what I could accomplish.” Others apparently do, until I talk them out of it! “Oh, no no, I couldn’t possibly!”
Recently I vowed I’d just say “yes” to every future opportunity that came my way. I didn’t grow up a “yes”-girl. I heard a lot of “no’s” as a kid. I worked hard in my 20’s challenging myself trying to shake off “the fear”. And yet, here I am again, somehow back in this skin, feeling anxious and terrified.
Hmmm, I just googled this subject! Seems I’m not the only one afflicted by this dis-ease. Ok, some comfort there. So, in future, I will accept that doubt is part of my human experience and create in spite of it! I think it boils down to doing something because you love doing it not as a means to garner praise. So I will do what I love and find a catchy song to drown out my brain!!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
clarity
Trying to clear the fog from my brain. Where did it all go wrong? I used to have a very strong sense of who I was and what I had to say. Right now I’m lost. I’m grasping at straws and ideas but nothing resonates.
Time travelling back, remembering those moments in my life when I KNEW with every ounce of my being who I was and that I was doing exactly what I was put on this planet to do. The universe gave me winks and nods and my confidence was high. What did my art look like then, what was I saying?
It was very personal. It came from a vulnerable place within and exposed me. It was quite raw and honest. The years of academia and some harsh critics were yet to have their effect. It was prior to the painting ”teacher” in NYC who bluntly told me “no one cares what you have to say”. Prior to the rhetoric and conceptualism we had to wrap ourselves in to justify our creations in art school. It was purely a form of expression, an attempt to communicate visually, to emote.
It was in these years, that I received some high honours and awards. It was in these years that I felt respected and valued........and then somewhere along the way I lost it. I’ve spent the past 10 years trying to retrace my steps and figure out where it went or how I let it get away. Wasted energy. I see that now. I let a visiting artist in the role of teacher trample me. It happened. But it doesn’t define me. In the grand scheme it has no meaning. Time to let go.
So that brings me back to personal expression. I am a visual artist, I communicate visually. What am I wanting to say.
“I’m lost”
And there it is, the vision, as clear as day in my mind’s eye.
Beautiful and poetic and very much me.
Exhale with relief and inhale with jubilation!
I’m back!!!
Time travelling back, remembering those moments in my life when I KNEW with every ounce of my being who I was and that I was doing exactly what I was put on this planet to do. The universe gave me winks and nods and my confidence was high. What did my art look like then, what was I saying?
It was very personal. It came from a vulnerable place within and exposed me. It was quite raw and honest. The years of academia and some harsh critics were yet to have their effect. It was prior to the painting ”teacher” in NYC who bluntly told me “no one cares what you have to say”. Prior to the rhetoric and conceptualism we had to wrap ourselves in to justify our creations in art school. It was purely a form of expression, an attempt to communicate visually, to emote.
It was in these years, that I received some high honours and awards. It was in these years that I felt respected and valued........and then somewhere along the way I lost it. I’ve spent the past 10 years trying to retrace my steps and figure out where it went or how I let it get away. Wasted energy. I see that now. I let a visiting artist in the role of teacher trample me. It happened. But it doesn’t define me. In the grand scheme it has no meaning. Time to let go.
So that brings me back to personal expression. I am a visual artist, I communicate visually. What am I wanting to say.
“I’m lost”
And there it is, the vision, as clear as day in my mind’s eye.
Beautiful and poetic and very much me.
Exhale with relief and inhale with jubilation!
I’m back!!!
Friday, November 26, 2010
the walk
So I have the time, 9a-3p each day. I have the space, my cozy studio. So now what?
My head is so fuzzy. Seriously I have no idea what to do or where to begin. I sit there with my pencil and paper and think ok start with drawing. What do I draw? What does my art look like? I have no idea at this point. I feel like I’m in a fog.
This is where the walk comes in. Some walk for exercise or fresh air, I walk for clarity. And to increase serotonin levels! I remember walking extensively while I was in art school, just trying to clear the fog, to get some perspective, “figure it all out”.
So I’ve been walking every morning rain or shine now for a couple of weeks. Drop my daughter off at school then head to the seawall. I love the water and the openness. Somedays I just fume and wallow in whatever the problem du jour is. Other days I just empty my brain and listen to my ipod. And then there are moments of clarity and something clicks. And there it is, the vision, voila!
I know what my artwork looks like, now I just need to execute it.... that’s a whole other issue!
My head is so fuzzy. Seriously I have no idea what to do or where to begin. I sit there with my pencil and paper and think ok start with drawing. What do I draw? What does my art look like? I have no idea at this point. I feel like I’m in a fog.
This is where the walk comes in. Some walk for exercise or fresh air, I walk for clarity. And to increase serotonin levels! I remember walking extensively while I was in art school, just trying to clear the fog, to get some perspective, “figure it all out”.
So I’ve been walking every morning rain or shine now for a couple of weeks. Drop my daughter off at school then head to the seawall. I love the water and the openness. Somedays I just fume and wallow in whatever the problem du jour is. Other days I just empty my brain and listen to my ipod. And then there are moments of clarity and something clicks. And there it is, the vision, voila!
I know what my artwork looks like, now I just need to execute it.... that’s a whole other issue!
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